Home.. Sweet Home..

who would have ever thought, that I will make it back to my beloved home country on this trip??

..even if the circumstances aren't all that pleasant, I'm looking forward to come home for 10 days, see my Mom and family, visit friends and go to parties!!! :D

long story short.. our trip was DOOMED from the beginning :'( it didn't matter if I would have come here or not. Liz's parents are just so stubborn and afraid that something could happen, that they only allow her to visit me in Chile and Argentina (booooring!!). That is really disappointing, especially, because I thought we are making a compromise here and not getting a solution dictated :( anyway.. may be good to do it this way. I just got so sad about all this, about the situation, that we can't talk to each other about this (Liz had always to be the middleman), that I couldn't really smile and be happy --> I'm a straight forward person and as transparent as one can be. this doesn't mean, that I got unfriendly.. just not that euphoric and enthuiastic, as I was arriving here. this automatically got interpreted as "hostile" (the word her parents used, talking to Liz) and they figured, it would be happier, if I wouldn't be here.. what is in the way of a self-fulfilling-prophecy true, because if I get "exiled" this way, I don't really want to be here. So I'm REALLY happy to get out of here. Especially because we can't talk together about this.. I'm glad to not see their parents anymore (they went to bed earlier yesterday and got up earlier this morning, so I could avoid all personal contact with them). It's really sad, because I don't like to have relations like this with people, but it seems that they are totally unable to talk about this with me (we had a conversation a few days ago and Nancy got upset by the pure fact, that I'm expressing my feelings and concerns). So all this seems to me like tail-between-legs and run away instead of having an open and clear conversation about this.
I mean, I even accept the fact, that they say, better safe and single than allowing Liz to come with me, but I like at least to be able to talk about.. that's why I came here in first place, remember? ahh.. it's between poor and pathetic, but however.. it doesn't mean the end of my life and I enjoy getting the "good old energy" back again, that I lost over the last days.. I felt so terribly miserable in my mind, my heart and my body. I just could experience the destructive force of bad thoughts, of not being aware and present.. good I'm getting out of it.

so yes.. flying in a few hours to Switzerland and Liz will join me in a few days (after she had some quality time with her parents). then we are together for a week in Switzerland, go back to Kiev to catch our flights to NY.. so finally the trip was time and money consuming and very, very intense.
..instead of going to Baia, Mexico, I went to Texas, flew to New York, flew to Amsterdam, connecting flight Kiev Airport, driver to Kiev city, driver Kiev airport, Budhapest, connection flight Zurich, being 10 days home, Zurich to Budhapest, connection flight Kiev, driver Kiev city, sleep one night, driver Kiev airport, flight Paris de-gaule airport, connection flight New York, flight (or Bus) to Texas, where I gonna pick up my bike again... HELL I'm glad to be on my ride again after all this!!!!!!!! it's probably as crazy as it seems ;)
..and my back hurts :(((( ..to add a complaint more ;) HAHA :D ..ah.. whatever.. cu soon! :D

..the sun breaks through the clouds..

..today was actually the first sunny day with blue sky (was almost shocked.. how could this happen!? ;) hehe :)

on the other side, we progressed with our bilateral negotiations and the things don't seem that lost as before. I think, it took the million tears, to bring us to the point, where we stand now.

for Liz it meant, that she doesn't remain silent here and we can forge our plans and for me it meant, to get a bit more distance to our relationship (what isn't actually a bad thing, considering that I will travel for a long time by myself and considering the uncertainty of our future).

So yes.. somehow it seems possible, that we can get a car and travel on for quite a long time in South America, if this is what we want, once it's getting May. I mean, there are more hurdles to take, but for me it was essential, to know that there exists the possibility to do so.. otherwise I would have loosened our relationship right away (who wants to accelerate, if you're about to hit a wall?? ;) hehe :)

for me it's OK to join every single day that we still have here (and in New York) together and I think, I will start after Liz birthday (6th of January) with my trip and will have about 8 countries to cross. in the meantime Liz will try to get a job and save some money to contribute and we will see how we feel about us, when I reach Colombia.
it will be a mix out of three factors, how much we still love each other, how much Liz can contribute to this trip (I don't want to buy the car with just my own cash) and how much she feels to come to Switzerland after this (getting rid of all the stuff in New York and being prepared for a new stage in her life in the place where I'd like to settle down for 1-2 years after this.. close to Zurich, maybe even apply at my former employer (because I loved it that much there! :)
Liz will have 5 month to get into Spanish and make researches about jobs or studies in Switzerland.. this could be farming or serving tables, freshing up her German in case she wants to make some German studies or find some wicked English studies she wants to do or any work that her Russian/Slavic studies diploma would allow her to do.
I can't tell her what kind of jobs and possibilities in CH there are (as I don't know what I will do after this), but she will have time to figure out and motivate herself for this.

if it doesn't work out, then it's the way it has to be, but I think, then we will both have something better and we don't have to worry about this right now ;)
having the idea to give it a try and the word of their parents that they won't interfere anymore is enough for me to sleep peacefully ;) hehe :)

I mean.. we don't have the final "Yes" for that, but since Liz talked to her parents yesterday, it looks better than ever and I feel, I don't have anything to loose..
I was prepared to let go of all of this, because it was so tough, so much destructive energies, that my feeling told me to do so.. surprisingly things seemed to change (as her parents also care about our relationship) and let's see, how we will end up.. you don't get guarantees for anything in this life, so I should be more calm about all this ;)
what made me turning back to my original plan to do this by myself on a bike was also, that the ammount of difficulties was getting to high to still do all this.. especially when Liz said, that she doesn't know about coming to Switzerland (of course she can't right now, but she told me different things weeks ago.. so I said to myself.. "hmm.. let's see if this will have future"

but compared to the night before, the last night was super splendid wonderful!! :) we bought a tasty 5 dollar champagne and drunk it in the park, had a devine midnight snack at their place and cuddled seeing an animated movie, having a lot of fun! :)

today we were out (with the personal driver of Liz's dad) to a open air museum of old houses and how people lived in different areas of the Ukraine in different centuries. Was really nice!! I took a lot of pictures and will put them online soon :) I hope the black/white ones will be somewhat artistic ;) hehe :)

I'm also improving my english by making all this funny mistakes, that make Liz laugh and telling me, how it's supposed to sound ;) ..and we found small rubber bands for my hear, to section them up again, so I can crochet on and make them look even nicer.. HAHA :D (was hard to find these rubber bands here in Kiev ;)

..yes.. overall.. I'm very happy with my life, happy to be here, happy to love Liz.. can't complain. it seems, that sometimes happiness has to be bought with pain (what buddhists preach for thousands of years ;)

now I'm having a hot bath and then I will meet a CouchSurfing friend here in the city and talk about life and the universe :)

if you read this, drop me some lines! I hope, you're fine out there!! :)

..bitter tears of desperation..

jajaja.. how else could it be.. struggling with no end, because of over worried parents.. :'(

one thing that I try to figure out is about the second part of the trip by car.. if purchase and export will be possible and where to buy it. let's pray that some experienced travelers can help me out with that (found an excellent forum to post my request).

the other thing is, that Liz parents will be worrying anyway, once we start the trip, but as the
1 000 000 tear has been shed, I'm so exhausted and desperate that there is no other way as they agree to our proposition (or I will start to say good bye to this relationship, because I just can't take it anymore!!!) :'((( yeah.. it's really emotional here.. crying our eyes out a thousand times, the bed soaked with tears..

but I believe, it's all experience that has to be made and it will help me a certain moment in my life. even if it's just not worrying as their parents do, if I would be in such a situation.

the hammer came this afternoon, when I figured out that all they allow Liz to do is getting a round trip and join me somewhen in South America in the "safe" countries as Argentina and Chile and then travel by bus.. sorry, but this is doesn't get even close to the adventures I want to live with Liz! ..I mean.. what do they expect me.. to travel 12++ month by myself and then in 2 countries I can meet Liz before shy flies back to New York??!! ..HELLO!!! we are going to Switzerland after this and before getting there, I want our relationship to be proven traveling the way Liz and I prefere (what is getting a car and making WHOLE South America together).

so after getting the vibes of their parents, I don't really trust anymore in the whole situation.. I mean.. they will be fucking freaking out when she joins me.. no matter if this is tomorrow or in 6 months or in 6 years.. it's just NOT POSSIBLE according to them :'(
so there are two options for me now.. wheter say good bye to our relation (broken hearts and billions of tears, but no pain lasts forever) or having them AGREE on our plan to spend the 2nd part of the trip together, that would be South America after getting out of Colombia and still consists out of about 8-9 month (plans can varie, but let's assume it will be this ammount of time).

so yes.. we will come up with this proposition in about 2 days and I don't accept another compromise (I think, it's fucking compromising enough!) the idea of having her visiting me on my trip isn't exactly what I understand under "living love" and "growing together".

so yes.. that was a hell of an emotional rollercoaster ride we just had here and the plan born out of sheer desperation will hopefully be accepted.

I mean, there's way more about this.. one thing is: the world isn't that bad or that dangerous as most people believe out of the newspaper. So if you want to worry, worry all day long, but if you not let me life my life because of your worries, then I can hardly take it (sorry, does worry serve for anything anyway????)

second: if you don't face your fears / handle your worries, you will never change! we can only change through experience and processing this experience. So it doesn't matter when Liz parents will learn to be more at ease and calm their mind. that's why I want their word and agreement now, because I know, it won't be different in 6 month..

stress is if the outer situation doesn't match with the inner actitude.. so if you can't change the outside world, change inside. It's possible, I have done it, doing it all the time, billion of people are doing it along their way in life, so please.. don't tell me, I ask for too much.

yeah.. we gonna see.. but being stirred up to the limit, turned inside out and upside down, exhausted from being shivered through, we came up with this plan and heck, I will fight for it!!!

ah.. that helped :) haha :D ..I posted something a few days ago and deleted it again, but I think, the world earns to know this.. finally it's my diary and it shall be as complete as possible.

have a great time and gonna hear from me.. can't complain about a boring life here or too few emotions breaking up ;) and what doesn't kill you, makes you strong.. it's probably where the way I live my life is rooted. born out of the zillions of such moments I had (of different intesity) that made me the person I am and I can't complain about who I am :)

cu all!! was even thinking about to come back home with Liz, but as I feel at the moment, it's not the time right now..

..how the hell did I get here? :D

..so here I am in eastern Europe, in the Ukraine! :)

New York got better and better and I'm looking forward to go back.. I met many of Liz's friends and they are totally awesome!! will enjoy to be there for another ?? weeks.. probably be there for new year and then heading down to Mexico :)

yes.. so here's the story:

we flew over the ocean, having a 5 hour layover in Amsterdam, where we slept for a while on the cold stone floor, before we continued to Kiev. ..it was raining and pretty cold (could be colder though). I don't get a word of what people speak here and couldn't read the cyrilic stuff (more cryptic ;) hehe :) but it didn't take me long to "re-map" the letters.. some I'm still struggling with, but a "N" is a "I", the "R" a "G" the "P" an "R" the "X" a "CH" and so on.. and some letters are super weird, but it's fanny to try to read things.. I feel as in the first grade.. haha :D

we live here in the super luxury apartment of Liz's parents.. they have a cook and a driver, a fridge full of tasty food and I totally like it here! :) (Liz parents are super nice and I think, we really like each other :)

next to eating as the kings, we went out, walked through the streets and have visited the Chernobyl museum (happened April 1986 and is still the worst nuclear disaster ever happened on this planet). after more than 20 years, there are still 3800 people employed to maintain the situation (that no other disaster occurs, as I have understood it). I envy Liz for she visited the reactor the last time when she was here.. tours are expensive and you need even a special permit to go inside.. was also super VIP thing that she had :) B-A-D-A-S-S!! hehe ;)

oh yes.. and of course.. what brought us here.. the situation with traveling together.. looks as followed:

because Liz's parents aren't comfortable with having here traveling through the "dangerous" countries of South America, she will join me, once I got out of Colombia.

so I will drive my bike by myself down to Panama (eventually ship it from there back home) and get a car for South America. We will still be travelling for 6 month ++ ..so it's not all that bad :) I get some more time to ride my dragon and we will stay in contact over internet. If our love survives this (what I strongly assume), then we will spend the rest of the trip together and come then together to Switzerland. until Colombia, Liz will get a job and save some money for a ticket down and eventually for traveling (still not a criteria).

hmm.. now I go and join them in the living. you'll hear from me soon.. as it's super easy to get online here :D

..New York.. New York.. :)

dear Mom and friends (as I heard, my Mom is the only active reading family member ;)

we arrived in NY 3 days ago and it's a lot colder here :-/ it's probably as Switzerland and Tunesia.. totally different climatic regions. but NY is cool!! staying here at Matt's place, a friend of Liz. I just got up, after spending the night on the couch in the living.. the to us designated room is unfortunately inhabited by bed bugs and poor Liz got bitten quite a lot in the first night. I didn't get a single bite, but I might have taken it better with my skin, because Liz got an allergic reaction to it, what made it a lot more itchy and painful.

hmm.. it's sunday and we gonna see, what we will do today.. it's sunny (and chilly) outside and we might ending up at Liz appartment (sublet at the moment) to store things that we don't bring to the Ukraine. I sorted yesterday quite a lot out and will have my backpack with me, stuffed with warm clothes :) ..yes.. despite the cold, the fact that I don't understand (or read) a single word Ukrainian, will be living 3 weeks with their parents and that eastern Europe has a depressive vibe, it might be very cool, to check that out.. there will be a Thanksgiving with diplomats and ambassadors from all over Europe (I got already a bottom down shirt and a tie ;) and there will be Sauna, cheap bear and chess and a taste of the balkan, getting a bit more into it's history..

I met already quite a lot of friends (and ex boyfriends ;) of Liz and they are all supercool! it's in fact, as I hoped.. getting to New York and having fun and meeting people out of Liz's earlier life (earlier = before we met ;)
I also think, staying here for a month in December will be a blast! the city is so cosmopolitan, many different people from different cultures come here together and to have the opportunity to live here for a couple of weeks is really cool! :)

that's it for the moment.. you'll hear from me wheter from here or the Ukraine :)

be blessed and have a blissful time! :)

..out there in Texas.. :)

hmm.. it has been a while.. or somehow it seems like this to me. lot of things changed and happened and I find myself everyday in a brand new day :)

so I made it to Austin, Texas in one day from Fort Stockton, by driving a new record in miles, but also on a nice and beautiful day, that made even flat Texas enjoyable to ride through! :D
I surprised Liz here (because she didn't check her Email ;) and we went out that night and celebrated Halloween the next day with her sister Sarah and a couple of friends :) I improvised a cave man costume in no-time! :) that was a pretty good job I did.. out of a pillow, a Teddy-bear-bag and some fake fur, I made a wicked and fancy Neanderthal costume! :D haha :) found a inflatable club for a dollar in the same second hand store and was at least correctly dressed for the event! :) there were totally awesome costumes (and hot chicks ;) but also some moderate things to be seen :)

then I brought my bike to Liz's Aunt and Uncle to store it between 2 and 14 month :P did this today professionally :) all cleaned, fuel stabilized, battery disconnected, all washed, oiled and gear properly boxed. all tarped and ready to be picked up at day X >< hehe :)
yesterday we went visiting her grand father in the nursery home and hiking on enchanted rock. the bike is where we stayed, at a place little outside of San Antonio in a rich peoples district with gate :) yes.. had a good time there. eat awesome food and have been invited to so many things!

have been busy days somehow.. just came back to Austin and went kayaking for an hour together with Sarah.

so now the bike is out of my mind for a while and we have our flights to New York in 2 days.. let's see what future brings :) it's all really intense.. it's by far biggest thing I've ever done.. but yes, it's beautiful to experience so many things together. Have met many very nice people and enjoy my time with Liz! :)

hear from me soon..

P.S. the weather is splendid! :) 30 degrees, blue sky, yesterday had a sunset-moonrise as never seen before :) totally enjoyable here!!